I cried all day because I felt so desperately inadequate and wasn’t at peace inside.

I listened to some Christian radio, and a lady basically listed every problem I have – worries about relationships, money and stuff going on inside – and then said it was because I don’t spend enough time with God.

I told God that, if this was the case, I’d like to spend more time with Him and to lead me to.

She then said that everyone is as close to God as they want to be right now. I asked Him, if this was the case, to make me closer to Him from today than I’d ever been.

I was crying and praying throughout the programme. By the end, I’d decided what she said was simplistic. Maybe I need to spend more time with God, but what I need more than anything is some peace. The title of the programmes was meant to be “Be still, and know that I am God.” And then she goes and tells everyone that their problems are their own fault and anyone who has anything wrong in their lives whatsoever, or more to the point is worried about things, isn’t spending enough time with God! That doesn’t sound like being still to me. It sounds like striving, and it’s something I struggle with.

I can’t exactly remember how this happened, but at some point in the prayer God gave me peace. I surrendered all to Him and asked Him to look after my life and make sure I head in the right direction from now on. I spend too much time policing myself, forcibly steering myself away from spontaneity and impulsiveness and everything which, let’s face it, IS ME. I have been a bounce-from-one-thing-to-another person since I was a kid, and God MADE me that way. I have put myself into His hands and asked Him to keep me safe on the path. I can’t do it myself without destroying myself, but together, we can.

I panned around the radio channels and two songs came up on 6 Music which were just right, and I know they came from God. “Sing It Out” by Hope Of The States was first. I can’t find the lyrics for love nor money, but the chorus was something like “Sing it out/You’re not alone/Your were lost and now you are found”, which was just perfect. Then there was “Forgive Them Father”, by Lauryn Hill. Lyrics follow.

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us
Although them again we will never never never trust
Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
Them not know what them do
Big out to yi while I'm stickin like glue
Fling skin grin while them plotting for you true!

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
(Me nah tellin them no more)
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
(Be real, them not a clue!)
Beware the false motives of others
Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers
And you never suppose it's those who are closest to you
To you
They say all the right things, to gain their position
Then use your kindness as their ammunition
to shoot you down in the name of amibition, they do
Ohhh
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do

Why every Indian wanna be the chief?
Feed a man 'til he full and he still want beef
Give me grief, try to tief off my piece
Why for you to increase, I must decrease?
If I treat you kindly, does it mean that I'm weak?
You hear me speak and think I won't take it to the streets
I know enough cats that don't turn the other cheek
But I try to keep it civilized like Menelik
and other African czars, observing stars with war scars
Get yours in this capitalistic system
So many caught or got bought you can't list them
How you gonna idolize the missing?
To survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition
even when they comin, gunnin I stand position
L's known the mission since conception
Let's free the people from deception
If you looking for the answers then you gotta ask the questions
And when I let go, my voice echoes through the ghetto
Sick of men trying to pull strings like Geppetto
Why black people always be the ones to settle?
March through these streets like Soweto, uhh

Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus
Jesus and Judas, backstabbers do this
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
that everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you?
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
(Forgive dem, forgive dem)
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
(Forgive dem, forgive dem)

Gwan like dem love while dem rip you to shreds
Trample pon yuh heart and lef yuh fi dead
Dem a-yuh friend who yuh depen pon from way back when
but if you, gi dem yuh back dem yuh mus meet yuh end
Dem not know what dem do do
Dem not know what dem do do
Dem not know, dem not know, dem not know, dem not know
Dem not know what dem do do
(Forgive them father, forgive them father...)

What I took from all this was that:
a) I am not alone in the way I feel. Millions go through it.
b) I’m saved, I’m found and I don’t need to worry.
c) I have forgiven the people who have hurt me, so there’s nothing more I can do about the fact that what they did still hurts me, apart from letting it go over and over again and giving it to God. It isn’t my fault. Not being happy doesn’t make me bad.

The power of supposedly secular music is amazing! I often find it easier to pray while listening to a really good secular album (like my new Killers album, which I was praying along to on Saturday night) than when overtly Christian stuff is going on. Why is this? I don’t know, but to me it’s all about all good music coming from God, even if those who made it don’t realise it.

If anyone out there happens to think I am wonderful, today would be a good day to tell meJ